KC

On Monday 27th September, 2021, I separated from my partner, KC Schmitz, after 10 years and 3 days of dating. 

The end of our romantic relationship can be described as a COVID casualty. Since March 2020, we have had unhealthy frictions and tensions that have fundamentally altered the bonds that tied us together. It is as though COVID melted us and rebuilt us in a different mould, and our previous alignment of world views and purpose were suddenly abrasive, rubbing against each other and wearing each other down. 18 months later after trying to reconcile both individually and through couples therapy, I have reached a point in which I realized I can no longer keep fighting for a past life, a different KC and a different Ross who no longer exist. KC reluctantly agrees with my assessment. We may have separated recently, but we haven’t been a real couple for at least a year and a half. It was a very sad day, and we are both in a lot of pain thinking about what we are losing, but it is a day that has felt inevitable. 

I feel like with this decision I am hitting the kamikaze button on my life. I don’t know where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do. But I need to find Ross again, and I feel like KC and I have been making each other feel worse about ourselves for too long. There is a parallel universe in which we remain happily together, supporting each other as we journey through life. Unfortunately that is not to be in this timeline. The expectations of being Ross & KC to our friends has been a huge burden, worsened by a proposal and engagement made is an attempt to reaffirm our love just as the cracks were beginning to grow. We had to make a choice to continue lying to ourselves and our friends/family and live a life of disappointment and resentment, or to accept the sad reality of the situation and try and work out where we go from here. Couples Therapy didn’t serve us in reconnecting with one another, and if anything helped guide us to realizing that this relationship was unhealthy for us both and to recognize that it’s OK to accept that reality and to let go.

The first 8 years of my relationship with KC, from starting as a freshman at Fordham right up until the beginning of COVID, are the best years of my life. I yearn for the innocent days of the first year at Mesa Salvaje when we were literally constructing our dream project from scratch, envisioning grand possibilities while working our asses off to make it a success. I will continue to treasure the memories and friendships made as we explored the world together, and shaped our personalities, growing from adolescents to adults in tandem. But those days are not coming back, unfortunately. We spent years in a passionate relationship, in all senses of the word, but that passion has gone now, evidenced by the muted day we spent discussing the separation after I brought it up. Tragic and upsetting, yes. Heated and passionate, no longer. 

For the past nine months I’ve been a shell of myself, a fraction of the person I know I can be. I have been anti-social, miserable, bitter, and mean. I have lost my sense of optimism and possibility. I feel trapped professionally, with limited exit options and a waning desire to keep pushing at Mesa Salvaje or Pizza Paraiso, where additional upside is relatively limited. I need time to reflect on what my next steps will be, where they will be, and what I want to achieve over the next 10 years.

I’m pushing 30, and I can’t deny that the milestone naturally lends itself both to reflection of the past and acknowledgement that the future is much closer than I once believed. While I considered KC my soulmate, I could see a future in which we would make the compromises necessary to live a long and satisfying life together; but today I have to ask myself if I want to build a family, live in Colombia,  double down on the small business owner life, or tack in a different direction.

My month long trip to the US was an incredible reminder of the amazing people I know and call my friends, and of what a life with a lower burden of responsibility and a more optimistic sense of the possible can look like. It isn’t realistic to use this trip of care-free spending in the late summer glory of the US as a realistic alternative to my day-to-day life in Colombia, but I did feel like it reawakened a part of me that I could barely remember - fun Ross. This was followed up by another mini-trip to Medellin where I felt liberated to be myself around people who didn’t know me as KC’s partner, the owner of 2 businesses with 20 employees, and the Dad to a dog.

I have alternated between existential dread and a reawakened sense of what is possible in the future. I imagine I will do so for a while to come. Fortunately I’m not in a position where I need to rush into any decision, so I want to take the time to focus on myself and see where the next opportunity may arise / where I feel the pull of my attention. 

I’m sending this post to some of my closest friends privately so that you know about our separation, and to hopefully start a conversation about reconnecting with you sooner than later. 

A last point - I am not mad at KC and we will continue to work together on Mesa Salvaje and taking care of Pola in the near term. You don’t need to “pick a side” and not invite one of us to certain events (e.g. weddings) in the future. We’ve actually probably had a better working relationship over the past two months since we’ve agreed to separate than beforehand. We just weren’t meant to be life partners.

Thanks for reading - I look forward to catching up with you soon.